Yo Ho
by emmadotlouise
Summary: Raoul thinks he's a pirate and Kel is left to clean up the mess. SMACKDOWN. Crack to the extreme.
1. Chapter 1

**Yo Ho**

_emclar_

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Raoul was feeling twitchy – but not in the normal way, it was the oh, I don't want the matriarch of my family coming to try to set me up with yet _another_"lady", because the last one his dear aunt had tried to set him up with had sported a moustache and some appendages on "her" body that Raoul hadn't found too appealing...

His eyes fell on the alcohol in front of him. He usually didn't drink the stuff, but the prospect of the matriarch of his family coming to hound him yet again was so depressing that he felt the need to.

There was a gentle knock at his door. He glanced up from his intent observing of the pint jug and the corners of his lips turned up ever so slightly in a smile when he saw it was Kel who had walked in.

"Are you sure you want to be drinking that?" she asked.

"Are you sure I shouldn't be?" he asked in return.


	2. Chapter 2

**Yo Ho**

_emclar_

* * *

Kel thought for a moment. "Well, I remember being told once – you know Lerant told me to get the alcohol once to serve you... and Flyndan came down on me about it. He said you didn't like yourself when you were drunk, so you avoided it."

Raoul sighed, turning back to stare intently into his glass. "Desperate times call for desperate measures. I've told you about the dragon that is the matriarch of my family, correct?"

Kel nodded, remembering. "You took Buri to that Midwinter celebration one time so she would stop trying to set you up."

"One of the better times she had treated me, might I add. Now, she has taken to setting me up with women that look more like men..." Raoul took on a haughty, high-pitched tone, _"Well, you are an old bachelor now, so the only women fit for you to court are those with big noses, nasty complexions and big bellies."_

"Sir... if you don't mind me asking..." Kel ventured, "Are you attracted to these manly-looking women?"

Raoul choked on the gulp of ale he was taking from the pint jug and spilt it down his tunic.


	3. Chapter 3

**Yo Ho**

_emclar_

* * *

Raoul straightened and looked at Kel incredulously. "Kel... _Mithros._ Whatever gave you the impression I liked men?"

"Well, I walked in on Lerant boasting one day, back when I was your squire, about all the "services" he'd done for you... such as, well, you know..." Kel made some motions with her hand, of the inappropriate type, "... and I don't know, it'd explain why you don't go after the ladies of the court."

Raoul's face was as beet red as a tomato, and not just from the alcohol. "Well-well-um..." he was lost for words. He'd never, ever, _ever_thought in a million years that Lerant would let on about anything. So much for standard-bearers keeping their master's secrets...

"Mithros, I need another drink." Raoul was ready to crawl into a hole and shrivel up into a quivering pile of mess.


	4. Chapter 4

**Yo Ho**

_emclar_

* * *

Raoul was feeling rather quivery by this stage and his tunic and breeches were still drenched with ale. His eyes were almost crossing. "Now, Kel, let me set one thing straight. Lerant never did _anything _for me. Aside from his normal duties."

Kel didn't bat an eyelid as she remarked, "From how emphatic he was being, these seemed like they were a part of his normal duties – as much as caring for your horse, your sword or anything else." She was enjoying this immensely, seeing her former knightmaster squirm; it was payback for the many, many times he'd thrown her from her horse when they were tilting.

"Like I said, we never... you know... yea, we just _never_." Raoul stood up quickly and almost fell over the table in his haste. Kel stood up to help him, grabbing his arms and steadying him momentarily... until he took one step and fell onto her with his head on her chest, resting on her breasts. "Well, this is rather comfy," he mumbled and nuzzled her chest before promptly falling asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Yo Ho**

_emclar_

* * *

Kel shifted uncomfortably under him. This was nice for the first thirty seconds, but the reality was that he was a big man and rather heavy. None of it was fat, of course, and Kel appreciated a well-defined body as much as the next lady... but he was beginning to squish her.

"Raoul..." she pushed against his shoulder gently. "Raoul..."

"Mrm?" he murmured.

"Raoul... you're squishing me." She sucked in a breath, loudly, for effect.

"But your boobies are comfy; I like how they're all big and stuff. Not like those manly-ladies my aunt tries to set me up with." He rubbed his head against them like a cat does when it twines around its master's legs, begging for food.

Kel rocked herself, Raoul humming a lullaby to himself as if he were in a cradle, and spilled Raoul out onto the floor. She scrambled to a standing position and surveyed her former knightmaster. "Come on, you lumpkin, let's get you cleaned up." Hauling him up, she dragged him off to the shower.


	6. Chapter 6

**Yo Ho**

_emclar_

* * *

"But I don't like showering!" Raoul protested as Kel undressed him. "It's so... wet..." Raoul looked Kel over appraisingly. "... like I wish you were." Raoul raised his eyebrows suggestively and Kel grimaced before moving her hands to his back to push him into the shower. Raoul evaded her easily, even in his drunken state and dashed out into his private quarters. On the table from earlier in the day, he'd left his sword sitting there after he'd finished practicing some drills. He picked it up and hovered in the door to his quarters, completely starkers, grinning like a maniac as a frustrated Kel advanced on him, fisted balled by her sides and fury on her face.

"Get back here, you."

Raoul danced for a moment, everything jiggling, as he giggled and cackled gleefully, "Catch me if you caaaan." He took off down the hallway.


End file.
